Every
Mother’s Day, I miss the days when my kid was in elementary school.
That one special Sunday in May would roll around, and out would come
some sort of handmade tchotchke, shyly proffered - a bookmark, a
drawing-filled calendar made from construction paper, a tempera-painted plant
pot. Always accepted with gratitude and genuine delight, although I
knew perfectly well he was assigned these projects by
teachers, who then gently prodded and reminded him all week to hand them over when Mother’s Day arrived.
After
the fourth grade, he moved on to intermediate school and then middle
school...and all recognition of Mother’s Day stopped completely. With
no prompting or prodding from anyone, he simply ignores it. Every year
it stings, more than it should I suppose, and every year I spend
Mother’s Day mildly depressed, irritable, disappointed, and increasingly
- rebellious.
‘Rebellious’
just started last year, the second Mother’s Day since The Boy left elementary school. I didn’t expect much, but I thought, maybe a
card. Or hell, at least an “oh yeah, happy Mother’s Day” - which I eventually got after several hours, and turns out?
That actually makes it worse. “Ohyeahhappymother’sday” feels a lot like “See, I didn’t forget...I just don’t care.” So I
got up, took my keys, and left the house. I bought myself a dress at
Goodwill - an adorable, bright, cotton summer dress. I took a friend’s
mom out for lunch and girl talk at an amazing vegetarian Indian buffet.
I stopped at the mall on my way home to buy my hair dye absolutely
nothing because I am a Natural Green. I danced in a
department store as a professional pianist played Vince Guaraldi
selections on a baby grand, I spritzed myself with expensive perfume I
would never buy, I sang in the car on my way home, and actually found
myself in a pretty good mood that lasted right up until I got home.
When
I got home, I holed up in my room with a book I’d been meaning to read,
and responded to the intermittent inquiries of “When’s dinner?” with a
deliberately obtuse “I don’t know, when IS it?”
until they backed cautiously away and ordered takeout. It was
mean and bitchy, and I felt a little bad about it, but Mother’s Day is one day where I feel I’m entitled
to the admittedly frustrating and unhelpful “if you don’t know, I’m NOT
going to tell you” attitude. It’s also the one day when “look, just tell
us what you want us to do for you and we’ll do it” doesn’t cut it
either. Me dictating the manner in which I am appreciated somehow
feels...coerced. Obligatory. I suspect that boils down to the equally
frustrating “no, I want you to WANT to”, but again, I’m entitled once a
year.
ANYway.
Flash forward to this year. I really expected nothing different, but
somehow it disappointed me again all the same. On top of it all, my
friend declined my invitation to repeat last year’s lunch, plus I had signed
up to volunteer at the fair trade store in the afternoon anyway. At
least The Boy didn’t even “ohyeah” me this time...leaving me the option
to tell myself he’d just completely forgotten, and of course would be
simply mortified if he suddenly remembered. Awesome.
I
headed out to the grocery store, but not before donning the same
bright, cotton summer dress that I had bought last year. In the fresh fruit
section, a couple of middle-aged women were having a cart-to-cart talk, swapping cute stories of
their burnt but well-intentioned breakfasts in bed; I tightened my grip
on my cart and sailed past. As I gathered the last items I would need
to cook dinner, I realized I felt a bit peckish myself, and decided to
get myself a treat. Something indulgent, but still a little responsible perhaps? I wandered briefly past the fair-trade chocolate bars and the vegan-friendly snack crackers....no,
today, that just wouldn't do it. As I turned a corner, my eyes lit on a display of Twinkies, and immediately my rebellious mood whispered YES.
They weren’t vegan.
They weren’t even vegetarian.
Hell, they weren’t even food,
beyond the broad definition of (1) they have a flavor many people find
pleasing, and (2) they are manufactured with the express purpose of
human ingestion.
I grabbed an individually wrapped Twinkie and dropped it into my cart.
Returning
to the car, I slung the grocery bag over to the passenger seat, climbed
into the driver’s seat, and rummaged through the bag for my Twinkie.
Oh Twinkie, you evil little temptation, you taste like childhood
memories. Or would....except that I now noticed for the first time the
tiny lettering next to Twinkie the Kid on the package, touting the “all-new CHOCOLATE CREAM filling!”
Wait, chocolate cream? No. There is NO motherfucking chocolate cream in a motherfucking Twinkie. Oh, I ate it anyway.
Sat right there in my parked car, in the parking lot of the
supermarket, and ate the chocolate cream monstrosity. It did not taste
like childhood. It did not taste like a Twinkie. I felt a wave of
irrationality crashing over me, one of those grand moments where you
know you’re kind of a crazy person right now, on the verge of meltdown
over some inane trivial inconvenience. But I couldn’t help it. I mean
what the fuck,
Hostess, all I wanted was one goddamn moment of nostalgic sinfulness.
I don’t eat meat/eggs/dairy, I volunteer, I
give money to that nice lady on the corner who collects for the homeless every week, I donate platelets, I study, I work, I take care of my family, and I finally
give in to your siren call for just one moment, one brief clandestine
affair, and you RUIN it. The moment’s gone,
Hostess, like bitter fucking chocolate cream ashes in my mouth, and I
hope you’re happy. I wanted to march right up to Hostess headquarters
in my cotton summer dress of rebellion and hurl baked goods at their
windows.
But
I didn’t know where the Hostess headquarters actually were, and they
were probably far away, and anyway I’d probably get arrested. Then I’d
have to go to court and plead temporary insanity, and my lawyer would
call me to the stand and he’d say...wait for it...“Tell ‘em about the
Twinkie.”*
I
had to giggle at that, and my absurd indignation faded. The weather was warm and lovely, and my
volunteer shift at the fair trade store went smoothly. The customers were mostly
mothers and daughters spending the day together - and I missed my own
mom - but my mood remained upbeat. At home, I cooked dinner, hung out
with the fam, and got my usual goodnight hug from my son, still without
so much as an acknowledgement. Oh well. He’s well-behaved, studious,
funny, and generally affectionate and appreciative from day to day.
Some moms would kill to ‘settle’ for that.
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Happy Mother's Day! May I interest you in some scrapbook paper made from elephant dung? |
Next
year - no expectations. Well okay, it’ll probably still hurt my feelings a little. But from now on, I'm just planning on it being me, my car keys,
and my Cotton Summer Dress of Rebellion, going out and celebrating
Whatever-Mom-Fucking-Feels-Like Day. Or to put it more diplomatically,
Self-Service Mother’s Day. Oh, yeah.
* The PVP guys were right...it is always a good time for a Ghostbusters quote!
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"Cotton Summer Dress of Rebellion, what are you rebelling against?" "Whaddya got?"
...okay, I was going for the wall-leaning disaffected look, but I think I missed it somewhere. |
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